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I saw this post linked by Instapundit today and then this follow on post by Ann Althouse. It reminded me of an old Dear Abby advice post I read on what to say if someone dies (especially close in time to the loss) and it has served me well over the years:
Keep it short, but say it sincerely. They have to deal with the matter on their own schedule. Nothing you say is going to fix things. If you are close, give them a hug. Platitudes about better places, how lucky they were to have them, any anything beyond you are sorry generally does not help. So don't say them. I agree with Ann that people who say the wrong thing, if they mean well, should get a pass (I have done it myself). But out of consideration for the person you are consoling, why not try to say something that does not offend them yet lets them know you care. Most people who babble in the face of someone else's bad news are more dealing with their own issues than the person who is suffering the loss or condition. Showing empathy is not the same as showing pity. We are all going to get sick or die. We all will suffer some profound loss in our lives (a loved one, a pet, a job, etc.). When it comes to serious illness or injury, I find the more serious the illness or permanent the injury the more you move toward the death advice: Less is more (but the less should be sincere).
Offering to help (and meaning it) is good too. And it is always good to follow up on that offer after they have had a chance to think about it. And keep offering to do so.
Update: I did not mention religion, but that depends on the speaker and the listener. If both are religious, then by all means offer prayer. If the listener is not religious, you should offer prayer only if you know they will not be offended by the offer. You can even put it in terms of: "I know you are not religious, but I am going to pray for you only because it is how I deal with things and I care about you." And you can always pray for them regardless with out telling them (because prayer is personal and you can pray for anyone).
You say you are sorry.
Keep it short, but say it sincerely. They have to deal with the matter on their own schedule. Nothing you say is going to fix things. If you are close, give them a hug. Platitudes about better places, how lucky they were to have them, any anything beyond you are sorry generally does not help. So don't say them. I agree with Ann that people who say the wrong thing, if they mean well, should get a pass (I have done it myself). But out of consideration for the person you are consoling, why not try to say something that does not offend them yet lets them know you care. Most people who babble in the face of someone else's bad news are more dealing with their own issues than the person who is suffering the loss or condition. Showing empathy is not the same as showing pity. We are all going to get sick or die. We all will suffer some profound loss in our lives (a loved one, a pet, a job, etc.). When it comes to serious illness or injury, I find the more serious the illness or permanent the injury the more you move toward the death advice: Less is more (but the less should be sincere).
Offering to help (and meaning it) is good too. And it is always good to follow up on that offer after they have had a chance to think about it. And keep offering to do so.
Update: I did not mention religion, but that depends on the speaker and the listener. If both are religious, then by all means offer prayer. If the listener is not religious, you should offer prayer only if you know they will not be offended by the offer. You can even put it in terms of: "I know you are not religious, but I am going to pray for you only because it is how I deal with things and I care about you." And you can always pray for them regardless with out telling them (because prayer is personal and you can pray for anyone).
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